The How and Why: I don't want this to be a pitty party, I don't want to write this to gain sympathy. I'm writing this because I feel I need to and because you all deserve me to be honest with you. I don't like how long this took to finally come out the way it did and if nothing else you deserve to know what happened. The obvious answer is that the chapter is super long. I cut it up into five parts, I mean come on. But the truth is, long as it is, I still should've been able to get it done sooner. I did not and it has to do with everything that happened last year.
I know I'm late on the bandwagon for sharing 2020 horror stories and mine aren't nearly as bad as I imagine so many others, who lost loved ones, who lost their livlihoods, missed out on important events or just weren't able to do the things they love. But for me, given what I was writing and what was happening, it just didn't go the way I wanted it to for a long time.
Covid shouldn't have caused as many writing problems as it did. I was trapped inside my house but frankly I'm okay with that for the most part. I don't like going outside that often. The problem comes with not even having the option to leave for anything. So stagnation became an issue, one born of me just sitting around, trying to fill out the day with anything and everything possible just not to go crazy in isolation. I took a more active role in social media as a result, for better or worse, just to have some kind of social interaction because I couldn't go to movies, I couldn't go to the store, I couldn't even visit people normally, or have a proper birthday. There was one point I was even scared I might be infected, I wasn't thankfully, but just the idea scared me enough.
In fact, the idea scared me long before that. I have a fear of sickness, disease, germs. It's not to the degree of refusing to eat an unpeeled orange that's dropped on the floor, but for someone who sometimes develops random fears because my nose feels itchier than usual or because my foot feel asleep suddenly, this pandemic was not fun. I have an overactive imagination that instantly goes to the worst case scenario for anything. I hate it, but that's how it is. And worrying about this shit for over a year seriously drained mentally. That would've been enough to slow me down, but then everything else hit.
I'm not sure if you realized this from my writing, but while I wouldn't classify myself as fall into any political party, I do believe in progressive social democrat values at the very least. At one time I might have been different, my high school self had a lot of opinions about things I no longer believe in, but as of now I'm certainly more on the left than others. These past four years solidified that. I'm not American, but I have deep personal feelings about it and I've been watching it suffer for four years under the yoke of a monster. I'm not going to mix words here, if this upsets you I'm sorry, but this is the truth. I despised the Trump Administration. Everything about it enraged me. It's callousness, its cruelty, its blatant disregard for decency and humanity. On election day in 2016, when that orange piece of excrement won, I felt sick. I felt lost. I knew what was coming, the horrible things he'd do. The Muslim ban, the deportations, the caged children, that stupid fucking wall that wasn't going to solve anything but stroke that fucker's ego, the boosting of the white supremicist narrative that was now in full swing revival. It all happened, just as I knew it would, as many would. I did not imagine it would get as bad as it did in 2020.
Just the absolute disregard for science, the politicization of a pandemic that was killing people, the fact NO ONE was taking responsibility for the failures of the federal government, the pushing of conspiracy theories, the lack of any sort of plan, safety measure or real concern. I thought if nothing else, 45 would at least try to resolve this crisis so he would look like a fucking hero and everything horrible he did would get swept under the rug. I felt that he would be at least smart enough to seize this moment to protect people and prove he was a leader. No matter what else he did, no one would be able to take that away from him! But no... he didn't. He seemed to enjoy looking like an idiot, deliberately getting people killed. He basically went on fucking TV and suggested "Just inject yourself with bleach!" And people fucking did it! Every fucking day it was just something new, eroding at my faith of what I believed my neighbor from the South stood for, what I could rely on its people to be. As this cult of personality took over in rejection of all science and common sense!
I could barely function through October, as the 2020 election grew closer. My only escape, horror movies and Halloween, barely covered up the fact that judgment day was coming. I was an emotional wreck because of the prospect that even after all of that, everything Trump had fucking done, every horrible, monstrous, irresponsible as fuck thing he had done... he might still win. And Biden was far from my first choice, but he at least seemed like a fucking human being. He had humanity! He gave a shit! Maybe he didn't want everything I wanted, but at least he felt more real than that fucker with the spray on tan and a fucking ugly wig. And somehow, it still seemed like it wouldn't be enough, that Trump would still win.
I couldn't look at the internet for days after the election. I couldn't even leave my room cause I knew it was going to be on downstairs on TV. I just wanted to wrap myself in blankets, curl up and hope that all of this, every fucking waking moment, was a horrible nightmare. That I'd wake up, the last four years hadn't happened and everything was going to be okay. I wanted everything to stop.
And then, like a miracle, an answer to my prayers, Biden won. He beat the fucker. He won! And even with an ongoing pandemic, everyone came out to cheer. This release of joy, the rejection of fear and hate, this relief just washed over me. There was hope again, there were more of us than them. And I don't care what anyone else says, I so needed to hear that and it's what made Rise of Skywalker a good movie for me. I digress though.
But the fact is I just could not write for that length of time and frankly a good while after because I was still not emotionally ready. I just couldn't bring myself back to my work because I was too drainned. I put all my energy into holding on, surviving, that frankly it took a long while just to get me back to where I wanted to be. I still don't think I'm there yet cause I'm still stuck inside, even after my vaccinations, waiting for the all clear so I can see a damn movie again for once in a cinema where it's meant to be seen. I suppose being worried about what that asshole orange fucker was gonna do knowing he lost, yeah didn't go smoothly, but at least he finally left. But I also just think it was the subject matter that was dragging me down.
In the middle of all this other crap, there was the month of May, the 25th to be precise. And yeah, you can already guess where this is going. This arc and these chapters in particular were about a bunch of disenfranchised people, specifically most of them being of Latin-American descent, confronting a lot of men in uniform who specifically exist to enforce a government and rule of law that was responsible for their disenfranchisement. And I was trying to figure out how they could reach a common ground and understand each other... while that same conflict was going on in the streets of America with no easy answer to finding a proper middle ground. And it was affecting my ability to write because I wasn't sure I still believed in everything I was trying to say.
We watched a man get murdered for nine minutes on a street corner, while he begged for his life. I don't particularly care how you try to justify it, because you can't. There is no justification for what happened. Nor is there one for the response a lot of police officers had over the anger at the murder, and it was a murder. I watched officers give into a lot of their baser instincts and decide that they needed to double down. They had a chance to prove those protestors wrong and just refused to do so. And we can go back and forth over what the protestors did, but you won't find me feeling particularly sympathetic towards the officers. They refused to accept resonsibility, refused to change their tactics. They went hard whenever possible and dodged blame for everything that went wrong. They decided the people they were meant to protect were animals and treated them as such. Corralling them between walls of heavily armed men with shields so they could march in and start beating on them. How can I write about finding a middle ground there when it feels like there is none? When I feel like those in authority are doing more harm than those who aren't?
The UNSC Marines aren't cops, but the situation I created made it feel eerily similar to that. I think a lot of what happened even influenced how Captain Wendell was portrayed, this angry, cruel man who felt he was owed respect because what his job entailed. That he didn't have to earn it. He was a Marine, which meant he was better and his word was law. And I saw that same mentality in a lot of cops over the summer of 2020 and I realized that I simply wasn't sure how to end this. How do I write scenes with Maisey being stuck in Haverson's shoes and still have her come out with a changed perspective? Because I honestly could no longer believe that Maisey would still forgive the UNSC, because I felt she was right. Wendell had fucked her over. The UNSC had given her a raw deal even if it was only a few bad apples. Because a few bad apples spoil the bunch, that ain't just a saying, it's actual science, it's what happens when you leave Bad Apples in the bunch with the good ones too long. And I saw that play out on TV. So many bad apples in the police force, for so long, had spoiled so many.
I could probably go on forever about this subject, how police shouldn't fear the people they protect, how imperfect victims does not give them a blank check to abuse their power, about how America seriously needs to look at how cops operate. I was glad to see the killed of George Floyd be put away, it restored my faith in the system somewhat. What helped most I think was what happened on January Sixth though. A lot of cops failed in their duty there and sided with the mob, allowing them to storm the Capitol. But just as many stood firm, they did their duty and kept them back. One even put himself in the line of ire to lead them away from the senate chambers, Officer Goodman, because our reality is written by a terrible screenwriter.
I think that was what eventually convinced me I could still write the ending I wanted. That I could have faith in some of these things again. Maybe not total, but at least I was able to see a middle ground that was reachable. That even if I couldn't have Maisey forgive the UNSC, she could at least forgive Haverson. Not because he's "one of the good ones", but because she could see he was a good man. I felt like that was more reasonable, more justifiable, than anything else I could've written.
I don't feel like any of these are excuses, they don't work as such. They are simply me trying to explain what happened to my output. I don't pretend they are adequate, but they are what kept me from being at where I consider to be my best. The fact is I was not mentally, emotionally and morally at a place I felt I could produce content. In that regard I've failed in a lot of my promises, I didn't succeed at what I wanted to do for this year and the last one. I'm not happy with the results in terms of how long this took. The blame is on me though, no one else. I don't pretend this is anyone's fault but my own. I can only be thankful that most of you did not abandon me because of these failures and I hope that you at least understand the why of this absence much better. I should've been able to get this stuff out sooner, and for that I'm sorry still. Even with people saying not to worry about it, I'm still sorry because I feel I'm more professional about that.
I think ultimately the biggest issue with my output is being locked down for so long on a single idea/property. The inability of myself to move on past this whole mindscape thing was what killed my momentum and creative ability. To that end, I've realized I need to be more flexible. I need to enjoy writing more and for that to work I need to do more. I'll explain more later on, but for now, know that I'm thinking about some changes, so that this doesn't happen again. Even if a story doesn't update as fast as I want it to, I would like to put out content all the same. And I'm going to try to do that more and more. I hope you'll be with me for the journey.
Enough about the real stuff, you probably would prefer some proper behind the scenes stuff. Well, considering this was all supposed to be one chapter and a lot of these vignettes are interconnected in specific subjects, I decided I'd cover these story elements individually. That's probably going to be faster than trying to cover them in bits and piece for each chapter anyway, so here we go.,
Kowalski & Samara: This probably got the best responses out of most reviews so we'll cover it first. I've been hinting at the fact Kowalski is clearly crushing on Samara hard. He's a young male, so it's not unreasonable he'd find an asari attractive. However, it's more than that. Kowalski has always seen something in Samara that is beyond just her obvious beauty. Her strength, her conviction, her will and heroism. Also her humble attitude in face of all these amazing things he sees in her. The fact is though she's clearly not ready for what he wants to give and part of that is what happened to Morinth. She killed something she loved deeply, how can she love again knowing how that ended.?
So this was all about breaking down those barriers to enter the next phase, namely how Kowalski and Samara deal with his feelings being out in the open and if Samara can acknowledge them the way he wants. Because seriously, there was no way I was going to keep up this heming and hawing over whether or not Kowalski actually likes her that way.
I think the first step to really doing that was exposing a healthy relationship while giving another squadmate a chance in the sun. Ramirez, if you can't guess, is actually based on the protagonist character of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I specifically was kinda making fun of the idea that if this series was an actual game, Ramirez would likely be the guy you're stuck as doing literally everything and then some. What is the personality of that kind of guy? Someone who probably doesn't let a lot of things bother him, a team player who is up for whatever job you give him. Anyone like that would at least want something of his own. That's where Sanders comes in. Introduced at the last hour in "When there was a Tomorrow", the Army Trooper who got a lucky ride off world has popped up now and then but I haven't made her as explicit as most. So I wonder if her reappearence here with Ramirez and her being outed will surprise anyone or if anyone even remembers her.
Ramirez more or less laid out everything, he feels a bit disposable, just the new guy who gets all the crap jobs. The squad didn't realize this but it was never their intention to make him feel like that, nice to have that all out in the open now. Obviously that would strengthen them as a unit now that they're more honest with each other, but that bit of honesty was just a way to knock down the walls that prevented Kowalski from admitting the truth. That and seeing how Ramirez has an open and actually active love life gave him the boost of courage to get over his hump in these chapters, the thing holding him back, confessing to his own vulnerabilities and why he sought out Samara for comfort. Because he could tell, deep down, something was hurting her as much as he was hurting. And even if neither of them admitted to what it was, they could at least be there for one another in silence.
I've always believed Samara is deeply hurt by what she had to do to Morinth. Her story is the tragic one of having to kill someone you love to stop them from hurting others. Morinth had chosen her path and she had to pay for her crimes, but she was still Samara's daughter. She was still her child. You know none of this was easy for her. How could it be? You don't bring a child into the world and decide to kill them. Samara tries to mask her pain and emotions with her meditation and stoic resolve, but deep down she's hurting and, honestly, I believe she's looking for a way out. An excuse to end it. I think the only thing that keeps her going is finding people who need her.
Kowalski confession, both in how he himself feels useless, broken and guilty is what he hopes will snap her out of this. He wants her to feel she has purpose beyond just being a tool. That she's not some mindless brutal arbiter of justice, she is a hero, more of one than even he thinks of himself. It's why he admires her so much, but also because he can see her compassion, her inner kindness, stuff she has pushed deep down to steel herself for what she needs to do as a Justicar. But he can see it and that's a big part about how Samara is able to come out of this. Not moving on from Morinth's death, but learning that it's not the end of her story nor what defines her. She's more than that moment.
Of course, this probably isn't enough for Samara to open herself up to loving someone again, not yet. But as we all know from the Citadel DLC, it's not impossible, she just has to allow herself to let go for a minute and be who she once was, the person she gave up to be a Justicar. Kowalski might not be able to get her to do that now, but who knows what will happen in the future. Just know for now, these two have their fates intertwined for the foreseeable future.
Zek & Retz: I honestly couldn't let Zek's very resentful hatred of his father go on forever. He'd have to at least resolve something of it before long. Otherwise, if Zek shows no ability to improve or actually look at his life choices critically, how can we possibly root for him? He has to have some ability of self-reflection. Otherwise, why am I trying to make you like him?
Zek's been hung up so long on his father's legacy and his place in it that he simply can't learn to let go until he realizes how self-destructive that looks. It made sense for him to encounter two extremes of the same problem and, given the amount of daddy issues on the Normandy, Garrus and Jacob were the natural fit given how completely different from both of them Zek is. Jacob is probably the closest conception wise to how Zek views his father, while Garrus is the closest to what he wishes he could do if he had a chance to talk to his dad. In both cases, Jacob and Garrus aren't doing what Zek wants to do and as a result he realizes that he's just as trapped as both of them are. It's the moment he needs to actually re-evaluate how he's conducting himself.
Namely that this whole quest being about proving he's better than his dad is kind of futile. After all... Dreadfeather is dead. Who is trying to prove himself to other than himself at this point? Now Zek isn't going to suddenly alter his entire world view, but he's decided that trying to outdo his legendary father is not healthy nor is it what he wants anymore. Trying to win an argument with a dead man you never met is stupid and not what a legendary pirate should aspire to. If Zek really wants to achieve something great, he has to build it for himself, not in spite of his dad. Now that doesn't mean he's suddenly got a better outlook on what he wants and who he is, but at least it's better than before when he kept doing these things to prove he's better than his dead dad.
Retz is easier, because he probably knows who he is and what he is much better than Zek does. It's why he's able to help Kasumi with her own problems, namely how she still can't let Keiji go. Kas' bleak outlook on things has always bothered me, as it seems she's doomed to always regret the loss of the love of her life. So this is the way of getting her there, that she now knows that Keiji is always with her, even if not physically. That she can find happiness beyond her memories. I think it's important for Retz too though. A genuine show of honesty concerning his own personal opinion on his past, how he has attempted to move beyond it.
Of course later on, as you saw, we see he can't escape it much better than Kasumi can. It haunts him, has for a long time. Probably always will, his escape from it this time was because of an act of desperation of sorts. If he was doomed to live out this moment forever, at the very least he'd try and say what he always wanted to. It was that moment though, when he felt the grip on his mind loosening, that he realized he was on the right track to escaping. This whole thing was always about confronting the truth of oneself. That's while Retz could escape ultimately, he knew the truth of himself better than the AI did. All he needed was to look at his greatest personal crime and admit it aloud what he had always knew in his heart. That this moment was why he changed who he was. Not easy to admit when it's such a traumatic moment in your past, that something like that could make you a better person. If anyone can do it though, it's Retz, the most honest liar of them all.
This is the start of something for Retz's character that hits big next time, so perhaps get ready for when that happens. For now, let's move on.
Shepard & Tali: I was eager to really do this stuff for a while, reveal a bit of Shepard's past and how I feel this version of him came to be. As well as show off a little more about the major events in Tali's life. I always had this origin concept that Shepard had experienced at a very young age what prejudice's cost can be. In his case it was a bunch of kids picking on an asari who had done nothing to them just because they believed aliens were the enemy. It was on that day, when he stood up for her, that he realized who he wanted to be. He wanted to be better than that. He wanted to be the kind of soldier that would defend people, regardless of the personal cost, as he got punished for getting into a fight. He never regretted doing it though, because he knew it was right.
The loss of Kaidan is something I always wanted to touch on more. As I've explained, I wanted Kaidan and Wade to be old friends from bootcamp. Who got through it together and became bonded that way. I felt it gave Kaidan more connection to Shepard personally and fleshed the character out more. It's weird that he'd share all this personal stuff about what he did as a kid to Shepard if they had only just met. It makes sense if they were longtime friends and Kaidan was finally confessing to a painful secret about how he killed his turian instructor. So for me that's why I've always headcanoned it that Shepard and Kaidan knew each other and that Kaidan's death would hit Shepard really hard, especially if he caused it.
I realize this was probably a good chance to reveal more about what happened during the Skyllian Blitz as well, but frankly we had a bloated storyline already and I just didn't want to overload it more. We'll probably talk about what happened to Wade on Elysium another time. For now, I think it was just nice to have Kaidan in one of these chapters, even if he's just a memory. I know a lot of people think he's boring, but he's also Canadian and I have to give credit to one of the few members of my country to be in this series.
Tali's is easier to do, but only because I've worked with her so long it's become rather like second nature to slide into her headspace. It's not surprising to show her excelling at school, but I saved the big horror for the final stretch of the story. We've all gone over Tali's father issues so much we forget that she at least knew her mother for a short time. And that her mother's tragic death was likely what pushed her father away into his work, trying to make up for failing his family by giving them a home that wouldn't kill them. If anyone has a huge influence on Tali's life it is Rael, but I feel it's a bit of a loose end to not include some of her mother in her story. It's why I had her be the vision used by the Chronicler to manipulate her. Rael wouldn't have illicited the same emotional response.
I think Tali believes that if her mother were alive, things with her father would be different. It's why she's enternalized his neglect and off-handed parenting the way she has. If my mother hadn't died, dad would be closer to me. If the Geth weren't around my father would be there for me. If the Geth hadn't taken the homeworld, my Mom would be alive and my father would be happy. We'd be a real family if it weren't for the Geth. That's where the anger comes from in Tali's mind. That's why she hated the Geth for so long. So I believe Tali's mother's death is a more significant event for her than even the game lets on.
I have to believe in a society like the Migrant Fleet, the quarians would not want a child to be ignorant of death, nor miss the chance to say goodbye to a loved one. So I believe Tali watched her mother die and as much as she might have needed that moment, it would likely still hurt her a lot to watch, over and over again. But the memory loop also gives Tali the chance to see her mother again, and that realization gives her the chance to break free and become happier as a result.
So hey, this time Tali's traumatic moment isn't so tragic after all! Maybe I don't always make my favorite character suffer that much? Moving on.
Jack & Thane: Okay, this was a long time coming I guess. The thing is, a long time ago I read a story where Jack and Thane actually got involved in a romantic relationship. It was a weird sort of pairing, one I was surprised I enjoyed so much. While I didn't agree with some of the story choices, the overall concept and resolution was enough for me to get over those hiccups. So I set about trying to set these two up for the long haul. This was the end result.
It allowed me to delve into Jack's backstory as well as Thane's personal issues with who he is. More importantly, it gave me another romantic relationship on the Normandy to focus on that wasn't Tali and Shepard. Who, while I love deeply with all my heart, I know might be grating on a few readers. So if they want something different dynamic wise, this was the best option I felt comfortable with. I've been building it for a long while and it seems most people are happy with it. Ultimately though, we all know this probably won't end well. I mean, Thane is dying and despite the many solutions people have suggested to solve it using this crossover, it's probably not so simple a resolution. I mean, if all you had to do was clone some lungs or replace them with a cybernetic equivalent or even just gene therapy, I think they would've figured that out by now. Kepral's Syndrome is a far more complicated disease than that, it's genetic. Those ideas above might stave things off for a while, but not forever.
So it's another romance that feels almost doomed, but nothing is beautiful because it lasts. I believer that much is true about these things. It's better to just enjoy what you have while it is yours. Hopefully Jack can do that.
Taq: Readers have commented on how they feel Taq has it the most together out of everyone. They're probably right, but she's not exactly devoid of her issues. Professional as she is, she's still got a brisk, rough streak and is highly impersonal. That might actually be a trait from her mom given how, despite clearly wanting the best for her daughter, was rather distant in terms of interests. Taq ultimately sees knowledge as more valuable than treasure itself. She's not immune to getting paid of course, she's still kig-yar, but Taq wants to know more than anything else. I wanted to show where she got this mentality, how it changed and hint at how she split so hard from her mother. The issue there was always about Taq's desire for knowledge as opposed to profit and her mother just not seeing the point in it. They could be interested in the same things for entirely different reasons. As a result, they were miles apart despite working so closely in the same field.
Taq wishes she had a better relationship with her mother. Sadly she wishes she had a better relationship with a lot of people I think. Her mother had her by accident, as I've alluded to before. She of course tried to give her the best options, to avoid the same pitfalls. She wanted to be a good mother, but in her mind that meant giving her stability and foundation, not engaging with and supporting her true interests. Frankly, the fact she hired Taq on as an employee to save money taught Taq about how she was valued, as a commodity in many respects.
It's probably why she's so upset with Zek. She opened herself to him, allowed her defenses to go down, disregarded a lot of what she taught herself when it came to working with people. She thought she found a kindred spirit when Zek started romancing her. Instead, he used her too and that hurt more than anything. While Taq appreciated what her mother did for her, she's sad they can't be friends because they're just too different. All Taq can be to her mother is an employee. That's why they split in the end. That's what's sad about it. Taq said it herself, she doesn't resent her mother, but she wishes they could've been friends. Because I think she wants that more than anything and no one is willing to really give her that, nor is it as easy as her figuring it out for herself. So Taq may have it together more than the others, but she's not immune from having problems you see.
Master Chief & the Spartans: I honestly didn't want to bog down Chief and his squad with too many existenstial questions about themselves too soon and too fast. I feel like that would do them a disservice. So I kept it light and to a minimum. Chief's major revelations about himself and his fellow Spartans are too complicated and in need of a deep dive to try and bring all out at once. Besides, Chief is challenged by things in the present more than his past. Not to say that nothing in his history burdens him, but it's better for that stuff to come out on its own than to be forced out in this particular situation.
When it comes to the Spartans, their issues are centered more on their intended purpose and their found family purpose. That's hard to cover in memories without going on forever about every little thing. Save for Kat, who I've covered enough that I feel it was time to finally come full circle. Let Kat resolve her issues with Carter's death. It was a long time coming and this was the best time to do it. To let her say goodbye. I think that's really all Kat wanted in the end, a chance to say goodbye. She can accept Carter died, it's part of the job and she's professional. The fact he died without him knowing fully what she felt about him, something beyond love but about kinship, understanding. Kat just wanted to let him know that, even if it was only a memory. It was real enough to give her that release. Now we'll see how Kat functions when her unfinished business is resolved.
Haverson & Maisey: This was, as I said, the hard one. I've already talked a lot about the why, so let's just discuss exactly how we came to the conclusion we reached. The idea was always set up the way it ended, but reaching that point needed to feel right. I like to believe I did that.
For Maisey, she needed to see the big picture of the war. How it burdens and beats down everyone, even those who are believed to be in control. Watching more than just her world die, but countless worlds. Having all the technology, the intelligence, the resources, the manpower at her fingertips as Haverson once did... and it amounting to nothing. It all keeps failing, nothing works, the enemy is just too fast, too brutal, too monstrous in its capacity to achieve any kind of upper hand. The Covenant are winning, humanity is losing and every effort to stem that tide of failure just breeds more. What choice do you have left when there doesn't seem to be any but surrender and die... or start making sacrifices that will torture you forever. Ultimately that is what Maisey needs to see, not the UNSC trying its best, because that's the bare minimum of expectation. Of course they're doing their best, their lives are on the line too. What she needed to see was that Haverson understood the cost and bared its weight. Because she is the cost, her people are the cost, and it turns it out he tried to give them the best chance possible. It wasn't enough, but in the face of everything else, it was better than their other options. The fact that Haverson turned out to be their biggest advocate despite never knowing them was enough to convince Maisey that the lieutenant was worth trusting. That he believed in what he said and that, for all it's faults, the UNSC has good people out there who want to defend the people, no matter where they come from.
This was always planned to a degree, I had trouble figuring out exactly how this information would come or be revealed, but ultimately the idea was that Haverson had knowledge of Apekis V and had attempted to save them. All of his seemingly fanatical devotion to the rule of law and how the war is conducted logistically was actually just about him trying to assure himself he had given them every chance. That he had made a difference, especially because his superior told him he never would. That he'd never be a hero, he was ONI and you can't be a hero if you're ONI. This wasn't about ego or being in denial, don't misunderstand that. This was about Haverson wanting to hold on to the one good thing he feel he was able to do. In the end though, Maisey assures him he did do them good because his efforts gave them the best chance to escape. He's not responsible for the things Captain Wendell did.
Which brings us to Haverson's experience. Besides being the closest I've probably ever gotten to writing a sort of trans relationship, because Haverson was turned into a woman in this "quantum memory leapage" sort of deal, this was difficult to write because where it is was leading and how raw it would feel. Frankly, I'm not sure if people will find someone like Captain Wendell realistic. People like him certainly do exist, but I struggled with the idea of whether or not he was too extreme. It's why I had to make it clear at least a few Marines under his command did not agree with him. I like to think, in another reality, those Marines would've done something. Hell, if I wanted an easy way out I probably could've just revealed it was the Marines who killed Captain Wendell and Mattias actually didn't get nearly as far as he did. But that would've cheating in my mind.
No Haverson first had to experience what it was like to have nothing, to be a civilian, at the mercy of genocidal aliens and a government that doesn't seem to care. To have your only escape blocked because the man in charge just seems to despise you. Wendell betrayed every oath and belief Haverson has about the UNSC. Maisey's hatred for him is now his own. But it couldn't be as easy as Maisey being completely right, Haverson's instincts insisted she was hiding something and I proved those instincts right, but he didn't like what he found. Asha killed Wendell, a plan I had set up in advance. Asha is a sniper, she was being trainned by her dad, she was a child during the events of that led the Colony to New Teteocan. So her memories of what happened are likely incomplete or moulded by someone who did not want her to remember anything bad, her mother. The secret was always that Wendell died because Asha killed him, there was one person left who killed a Marine that day and it was her. That was why Maisey was so fixated on protecting the colony from investigation. It was why she was willing to do anything to get Haverson to leave. She was protecting her daughter, the last thing she has left of her husband, her child.
Haverson, in accepting this truth, now has to make a decision. Maisey offers herself of course, it's her last option in her mind. She'll stand trial and everyone else can walk. Haverson makes a different play though, deciding that what Mattias, Maisey and Asha did were not crimes. He concocts a way to spare the colony further hardship. Something that will be elaborated on much later by the way in BBR when its updated. Trust me, it will be.
But this is how things are resolved now. Haverson and Maisey find common ground and better understanding. Proving the AI wrong, that unity does not have to be forced through the loss of free will, but can be achieved if we are willing to walk a mile in another's shoes.
Snarlbeak: On the other end of the spectrum we have Zhoc, or Snarlbeak, an old bird trying to succeed at his sister's dream. Or so he thinks. I had planned on this for a while, to reveal the image in Zhoc's mind of a vicious, brutal, callous leader is not who Zvaz was. That was just the act she put on to scare her enemies. She was far less sinister, far more noble and her aspirations were much more humble. Zhoc created this image of his sister because of how his father was. Only someone as bloodthirsty and dangerous as that monster was could ever hope to defeat him. Only Zvaz could protect him because she was just like him, but nicer to him. She was willing to kill for him, that's the lesson that stuck.
And when she died, Zhoc had no one to look out for him. So he became the monster he felt Zvaz was, became the brutal crime lord he believed she was in reality. He carved out a bigger piece of the underworld for himself, in her name, because he believed its what she wanted. In reality, it's what he wanted, to be powerful, to be strong, to be feared, so no one would ever hurt him again. He can't accept that though, he really believes, after so long, that Zvaz would be proud of him. That he's just like her. She was his hero and now he carries on her memory by being as strong as she was. Not realizing that Zvaz was always proud of her little brother, that she never needed him to be anything, that she said he was strong. He eternalized her last words differently though, not that he was strong, that he had to be strong.
If Zvaz was still alive today, she probably wouldn't recognize him anymore. I think deep down he knows that, and that scares him, the idea of letting his sister down, that this all is about him. And it can't be about him, he's not selfish. He's doing this for Zvaz, his sister, the person who was more of a mother to him than his own mother, the woman who saved him. She would be so proud of him if she were alive, he thinks, because if she was disgusted it would destroy him. How could he ever disappoint his hero?
So even when confronted with this truth, he rejects it, refuses it. He cannot and will not accept that he is somehow destroying and perverting his sister's memory. His whole world view is too wrapped up in his hero worship of her that he can't acknowledge that the version in his head isn't reality. The fact is, Zhoc may be too far gone to ever truly accept this. Some people just don't want to change, they just can't. They've gotten too old, lived a certain way too long and refuse to. Zhoc has gotten too old to truly re-evaluate his life choices and I don't think he wants to. He equates power and fear and strength as too closely connected to ever change. I understand people feeling sorry for him, I want you to feel sorry for him. He'd be a boring villain otherwise. I just hope readers also understand this is not an excuse. He had Lurz beat a crewmember for showing concern. Zhoc is as every bit as cruel, heartless and monstorous as his father. He's not like his sister at all. Don't let him hear you say that though, I'm pretty sure he'll call Lurz over.
Caleb & Rowan: Caleb's death was inevitable. While he may not be the worst Cerberus agent out there, his lies had caught up with him and he had done too much damage to the trust of the community to ever truly be forgiven by them. You can argue he sorta saved their lives, but he also lied to and used them for years. The only real recompense for those actions is to die for them. At least in Caleb's mind I think, you can't prove to the community you truly cared unless you are willing to die for them or give up something for them. It's what Maisey was willing to do for her daughter and I had to show Caleb doing the same.
I got a lot of inspiration for this moment from a Star Trek episode, where anti-technology luddite had purposely stranded a bunch of people on a planet to set up a colony there following her principles and dictatorial rule. She also used technology to essentially keep them there and out of the reach of rescue. A lot of people died because of her actions, lives that could've been saved with technology in fact. When this was all revealed, she was arrested, but didn't accept any responsibility for her actions, she even blamed her own colonists and said they were better off with her anyway. In the end, the colonists decided to stay stranded. HA! Fuck that! I'd be asking if I could be the one to throw the switch on the electric chair!
Caleb's ending was based on how I feel you do this story right. Caleb led them here, for his own agenda while convincing himself he was doing them a favor. I couldn't just let him get away with it, especially not with who he's connected to. He had to payback the debt he owed to the people he had used, by assuring their colony would be safe, even after his death. As well as giving Shepard what he needs to take Cerberus down.
If you must know, you can rest assured the Cerberus subplot will be coming up again fairly soon. Not in the next chapter, but before this portion of the Chronicles ends. So don't worry, you'll see this get paid off and soon.
Of course, if Caleb needed to apologize to anyone more it was Rowan. I don't think it's any secret I have an especially inclined favortism towards Rowan above the other colonists. It's for a number of reasons actually. I imagine a few of you have guessed I based a lot of who she is off the character of Entrapta, specifically the incarnation on the recent She-Ra cartoon reboot. She's not exactly the same, but she's fairly similar in a lot of respects to her personality and interests. The reason for this is simple, because like Entrapta I wrote Rowan to be on the spectrum. High functioning yes, but very clearly neurodivergent. I didn't want to make it look like that made her a genius or anything by default, or gave her super special powers, but I did want to present her as fairly different socially and mentally from the other colonists. She is excitable, highly emotional and deeply fascinated with technology as a subject. The reason she's so used to other people though is Caleb's influence, he became her mentor and helped her get to where she is now.
That's why his betrayal hits Rowan so hard she kinda retreats back into what is comfortable for her. Surely she should've noticed, she was closest to him. If anyone could've noticed it was her. She knew him, he taught her everything. It hurt her to know she couldn't see this, because she sees everything about computers and technology. She thought through Caleb she had learned to understand people, but apparently she doesn't. So she locks herself off and starts obsessing over finding a solution to this, to figuring out what she missed. She can't though, because it's not that simple. You can't always read people and it's not her fault she didn't see what Caleb was. It's also nothing to be ashamed of, because even if Caleb did lie about who he was it was clear he never lied about what Rowan meant to him. The daughter he never had, his apprentice and successor. And his last gift to her was making sure she'd be safe.
I'm glad I was able to finish Rowan's story off in a way that I felt was satisfying as well as giving closure on Caleb's story. Now with the shield activated, the colony should be more or less safe. I mean, all those lasers and a shield to protect them, they're more than a little fine. I just hope the readers are ok with that, I know at least a few were angry about their position and their demands. Again, you can't tell how everyone is going to view an ending but I'm satisfied with that one.
The Mind's Eye: So, how exactly does this thing even work? How does this relic see memories and everything and how does the mindscape function? Well I lay out a lot of the broad details, but here's the general conception of this particular experiment. The relic can connect minds together and allow people to see those memories. It can even record them. The machine it's strapped into is designed to supercharge these abilities, based probably on the same general principle of the amplifier but specifically it is meant to facilitate the hive mind experiment. The AI inside it is Forerunner, the relic itself is precursor.
The AI was meant to monitor and execute the experiment, gathering data from each run to eventually lead to a success. It manages to memories of the minds plugged into the mindscape of the relic in order to determine who sees what, when and how. It is the one deciding where the subjects go, what they can see and when they can move on. The idea is that when all the subjects can finally shed any sense of the self, they will become essentially selfless. By experiencing all these memories, coming to grips with the truth of themselves and then learning from the experiences of others, eventually they will come to the conclusion that the concept of individual singularity is an illusion and willing abandon their personal identity and join a collective conscious mind.
The hope is that they will still retain their individuality, no one mind will have total control. They just won't see themselves as separate entities, but a single entity. It would be similar to the Geth, their memories and thoughts would all be one. They'd all be effective the same person but also many. The problem seems to be that organic minds can't handle that contradiction and thus the experiment fails as a result.
This is fairly similar to the plot of BioShock 2, where the antagonist of that game seeks to eliminate the self in an effort to create a single overriding conscious will that only thinks of others. This is that idea but from the inside and why it fails. In this case because none of the subjects want it and because even when its explained to them they reject it. The AI then tries to force them to accept the conditions by torturing them, hoping that they'll wish to bear the burden of such horrible memories with others rather than be alone with them. It doesn't work, because it basically just drives them crazy. Zhoc might have become a raging lunatic if the experiment hadn't shut off. That's how bad it would've gotten for him.
Now I didn't mean to come down on transhumanism, nor did I want this to look like a criticism of practical psychology. I made it clear that this experiment had its benefits, it's just that the AI didn't see them as anything but obstacles to be passed. The real end goal wasn't helping the affected overcome their demons, it was merging their minds together. It's means were more noble than its goals. If it knew when to stop, if it knew how was doing them good by making them relive these memories, it would be invauable to so many people with mental health issues. The Forerunners clearly didn't think about this, they were so focused on finding a weapon to beat the Flood they didn't realize the better uses for this type of technology. It's a shame really.
One note I should make is that the memories are indeed all perfect. The relic is able to reconstruct details the mind has forgotten or altered. It can see what is fabricated and what isn't, it's just that powerful. The brain isn't exactly a simple organ after all and the Mind's Eye can make it recall stuff that is clouded or fallen into desrepair. Again, the relic could be very helpful. Hopefully it will be now that the AI is out of it. I wanted to make that very clear, the AI is out. They learned from last time with the Amplifier, do not just presume these things are empty. They extracted the AI, it's out, Rowan will probably let that thing sit and stew for a bit before plugging it into anything and even then she's not going to give it a wireless connection either. Best not to trust Forerunner AI that have serious issues with not accepting NO as an answer.
Future Plans: If you've gotten this far then it's time to let you know about the next steps. We're still going to be writing these stories. I don't plan to stop. However, it's clear I need to think smarter about how to schedule and plan this stuff. I can't always make deadlines, but I can at least organize myself better on how to get these stories out. One problem I find is that I stagnate too much, I get too bogged down in singular ideas when I have so many I want to do. Putting them off doesn't help, it just bothers me more. So I'm going to try to expand outward, do other stories alongside this one and other connected Chronicles works. If I get to stuck into a rut with one idea, I feel worn down and it takes forever to get started again. In this regard, I want to feel free to do other works as well. I have a lot of ideas and I want to get them out on paper at some point, so in this regard I'm going to try and expand outward more and be more free spirited with which projects I take on and when. That way, I'll always have content and I'll never be truly bored or tired or worn out. At least not creatively anyway.
The point is I need to give more time to other things I want to do, not just laser focus so much on a single story that I eventually burn my brain out on it. I need to diversify. Work a little on one thing, then switch to another, then another. Give myself a break from what feels too difficult to finish at the moment and not force myself into it. If I give myself the freedom to write, I can just write, I don't have to worry about not writing what I want at the given moment because at leasr I'll have something else that I do. I'll be able to exercise my creative freedom more freely.
That doesn't mean I won't put myself on a schedule. I will set aside more time to just get things written down. Especially when I feel they need to be. I just don't want to burn myself out on one idea. I want to be excited when I write because that's where I produce my best work. And I got a lot of ideas I'm working on that I'm excited about.
To that end, I feel it's time to start expanding. I've already set up an account on AO3, nothing is posted yet but I intend to change that in good time. I'll likely be reposting "When there was a Tomorrow" on the site, but edited of course to be more in line with my current sense of decent grammar and structure. It's been a long time coming and I intend to introduce the story on that site with a better written and easier on the eyes structure. I will of course update the FF.Net version in kind. I won't abandon FF.Net of course, but I want to expand my audience and I feel this is the next best step right now.
I also plan to try and be more active in keeping fans up to date. I'm not sure how to do that without cluttering up the FF.Net board, so I'll consider either sharing my online social media presense or just doing more of these regular blogs. Maybe I'll just start a tumblr and keep you all informed there. I'll consider my options, for now, just know I intend to make sure you're aware of what I'm doing more often so you'll at least know my state of mind, what I'm working on and what is going on with things. Also, probably be able to answer more questions that way, we'll see.
Well, that's it, probably nothing revolutionary, but at least it's something different. An attempt at being better, at getting into the work more and being more active with my creative process, both in the introverted and extroverted sense. I want to do right by you all and myself, that much I know. I can only hope I can keep entertaining you all.
For now, I guess you'll have to wait on BBR's update and the next installment of Liara's story. But trust me on this, we will be back, we will have content and with any luck it will be something everyone here can enjoy. The Wormhole Chronicles are back in full form, I intend to keep it that way as long as I'm able and as long as you'll have me. Thank you for reading and having my back.
-General Rage, Lizard-Man, RJ.
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